Picture at left: my cute butt kicking my boyfriend cute butt at Dance Dance Revolution.... or so I like to delude myself into thinking...
“Moo-om!” I yelled from the top of the stairs. Someone once told me that true whining was being able to make a one syllable word into two syllables. “These butt pockets make me feel unconscious!”
“Self-conscious, you mean?” my mother calmly answered from downstairs.
“Oh yeah,” I giggled at my mistake.
All right, all right, so besides my obvious wording blunder, my point remains. While I may be taking things a little too far in saying that butt pockets are Satan’s return, whoever masterminded what I like to call the “butt pocket” is certainly off my Christmas list. Not to mention I do not think that the apocalypse can be much worse than looking at my butt pockets in the mirror.
Before continuing my rant, let me define my term “butt pockets.”
Butt pocket: the hideous pouch attachment on the rear end of ladies’ pants.
See, here’s the thing. Men can have butt pockets because their butts are already smaller than women’s. Men also like to keep things in their back pockets, wallets, phones, etc, making butt pockets a useful attachment. They are not consumed with how much their butts stick out from the straight line of their backs. Women however, as any man who has sat with a woman in a dressing room can attest, are completely obsessed with how a pair of pants portrays their derrière. With this known fact, who in their right mind would ever design a pant that makes a woman’s butt look larger than she already thinks it is?
That’s exactly what the butt pocket does. Not only is it extra fabric added on to the rear of the pant but after one washing, the corners of the butt pockets never lie flat again. Thus, in addition to an extra inch of butt from the butt pocket fabric, a woman ends up with four little tails poking out of her behind. Not attractive. I go from store to store thinking, “These butt pockets will be different. These butt pockets will fulfill the decorative purpose they were designed for.” Time after time, the butt pockets fail me. What is a girl to do?
The obvious male response to this question is to put the pocket to use. If we followed that advice, however, what would happen to our fashionable purses? Or the chocolate mints we keep in those purses for the on-the-spot blood sugar drop? We could not keep those in our pockets because they would melt. And the purse... the purse is an accessory like a necklace or earrings but without the purpose of holding our necessary items, it becomes a null and void object. This designates only one other use for butt pockets and, trust me guys, as flattering as it is that you want to touch our butts, we do not want your hands in our pockets. Which leaves us with what? A useless pocket that adds an inch of substance to the most conscientious area of our bodies.
“Self-conscious, you mean?” my mother calmly answered from downstairs.
“Oh yeah,” I giggled at my mistake.
All right, all right, so besides my obvious wording blunder, my point remains. While I may be taking things a little too far in saying that butt pockets are Satan’s return, whoever masterminded what I like to call the “butt pocket” is certainly off my Christmas list. Not to mention I do not think that the apocalypse can be much worse than looking at my butt pockets in the mirror.
Before continuing my rant, let me define my term “butt pockets.”
Butt pocket: the hideous pouch attachment on the rear end of ladies’ pants.
See, here’s the thing. Men can have butt pockets because their butts are already smaller than women’s. Men also like to keep things in their back pockets, wallets, phones, etc, making butt pockets a useful attachment. They are not consumed with how much their butts stick out from the straight line of their backs. Women however, as any man who has sat with a woman in a dressing room can attest, are completely obsessed with how a pair of pants portrays their derrière. With this known fact, who in their right mind would ever design a pant that makes a woman’s butt look larger than she already thinks it is?
That’s exactly what the butt pocket does. Not only is it extra fabric added on to the rear of the pant but after one washing, the corners of the butt pockets never lie flat again. Thus, in addition to an extra inch of butt from the butt pocket fabric, a woman ends up with four little tails poking out of her behind. Not attractive. I go from store to store thinking, “These butt pockets will be different. These butt pockets will fulfill the decorative purpose they were designed for.” Time after time, the butt pockets fail me. What is a girl to do?
The obvious male response to this question is to put the pocket to use. If we followed that advice, however, what would happen to our fashionable purses? Or the chocolate mints we keep in those purses for the on-the-spot blood sugar drop? We could not keep those in our pockets because they would melt. And the purse... the purse is an accessory like a necklace or earrings but without the purpose of holding our necessary items, it becomes a null and void object. This designates only one other use for butt pockets and, trust me guys, as flattering as it is that you want to touch our butts, we do not want your hands in our pockets. Which leaves us with what? A useless pocket that adds an inch of substance to the most conscientious area of our bodies.
So, with newfound resolve from my latest pair of failed butt pockets, I set out to erradicate this fashion faux-pas from women's clothing. I ask you to get behind me... and just see how great my butt looks without those pesky pockets.
